He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
