saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
