u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
