so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
