I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
