I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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