i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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