So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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