My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
