And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
