dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
