HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we're making bets on your personal life
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize