dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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