i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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