i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
