so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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