i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can't turn off my feet"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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