they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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