alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
