I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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