i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
