dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So much rum. So many feels.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
