I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
