I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize