he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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