from now on my penis is your penis
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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