I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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