Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You left your phone here
Wait...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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