So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
