So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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