he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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