Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
