I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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