So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
