come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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