Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
