They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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