Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
