Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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