my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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