the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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