I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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