I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
