the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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