Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
