Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
