Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
