How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i dont even know how to be here
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
