This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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