As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
