Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
