Even the bartender felt bad for me
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
