he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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