he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
