Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
