Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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