I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
