I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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