i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
