I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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