Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
