im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
