I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
