Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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